Balloon Boy sneaked out of his balloon school and started ballooning around in the balloon playground. When no one was looking he fiddled with a valve on the side of the balloon building. Suddenly the entire balloon school went “TTTHHHHHBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” (Use hands to show it getting smaller.)
Suddenly the balloon headmaster appeared and rushed over to Balloon Boy, shouting, “What the ballooning heck do you think you’re doing, you ballooning imbecile!?”
Balloon Boy knew he was in serious trouble now. He looked around frantically for a way out when he spotted a valve on the balloon headmaster’s stomach.
Without saying a word, he reached out and pressed the valve. The balloon headmaster went, “TTTHHHHHBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” (Use actions again.)
Balloon Boy stood there all alone. He was in such trouble now! He hung his head and started to cry. Through his balloon tears he spotted a valve on his own stomach. Without giving it too much thought he pushed the valve. “TTTHHHHHBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”
Moments later a balloon ambulance came ballooning towards the scene. BALLOOOOON, BALLOOOOON, BALLOOOOON!
Balloon paramedics rushed out and carefully carried Balloon Boy and the balloon headmaster into the balloon ambulance. As the ambulance went ballooning towards the balloon hospital, the paramedics began pumping the two balloon people back up. Fffft, ffft, ffft, ffft!
When Balloon Boy began to come around, he saw his balloon headmaster lying next to him, getting bigger by the moment.
The balloon headmaster turned to Balloon Boy with a disappointed look on his balloon face. Then he said, “Sonny, you let the school down and you let me down. But worst of all, you let yourself down!”

It turns out that my sister is allergic to our little pet dog, so we have to get rid of her. If you know a loving home that can take her in, please let me know. She is eight years old, house trained, loves running around the garden, and always does her homework. 

A guy was driving down the street one morning when a cat ran out in front of his car. He didn’t even have time to brake before he hit it. He pulled over and went to have a look. The cat was lying in the middle of the road, completely dead. He looked at the cat’s collar and there was an address written on it. It was only a few doors away, so the man took a deep breath and rang the bell.
A lady answered the door in her dressing gown.
“I’m sorry to bother you,” the man said, “but I think I just killed your cat.”
“Why, what did it look like?” the woman asked.
The man did this: (Loll your head to the side, roll your eyes back and stick your tongue out, as though dead.)
“No, what did it look like before you hit it?”
So the guy did this: (Hold your hands up in front of your face, open your eyes wide and give a startled expression.)

A man was asked to say a couple of words at his friend’s funeral. He stood up nervously and said, “Special Offer.”
The friend’s widow wiped a tear from her eye.
“Thank you,” she said, “that means a Great Deal!”

Arnav walks to school with his mum every day. When they pass the house next door, their young Doberman starts barking. Further up the street a small terrier growls. There are three poodles in the house on the corner that yap away. Arnav hates dogs and gets more and more nervous about going to school each day.
To make Arnav feel better, his dad decides to walk him to school. As they pass the Doberman it just lies down and stares at them. The terrier doesn’t even leave its kennel. When they get to the house on the corner the poodles don’t make a peep.
“Wow, Dad!” Arnav says. “How do you do it?”
“It’s simple,” Dad says. “I’m wearing my Hush Puppies!”

Once upon a time there was a prince who talked too much. He would just talk and talk and talk without ever listening. His fairy godmother got so fed up that she cast a spell that meant he could only speak a single word each year. If he didn’t speak for the entire year, the following year he could say two words.
One day the prince fell in love with a beautiful princess from a neighbouring realm. He waited a whole year just to be able to say her name. But by then he was deeply in love, so he refrained from speaking for three more years so he could tell her he loved her. But by the time the three years were up he decided he wanted to marry her, so he waited for four more years.
Finally, after eight years, he took her to the most romantic spot in the kingdom, got down on one knee and said, “Eleanor, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the princess said, “Pardon?”

A school boy fell off his chair during a maths lesson and sprained his finger. The teacher grabbed a first-aid kit and applied a splint. Only after she’d finished did they realise that she’d put it on the wrong finger.
“I’m sorry,” the teacher said, looking rather embarrassed.
“That’s okay, Miss,” the boy said. “You were only off by one digit.”

I was lying in bed the other night when the doorbell rang. Half asleep, I got out of bed, put on my dressing gown and opened the front door. There, standing on the doorstep, was a six-foot-tall cockroach. Before I had time to shut the door it leapt on me, punching and kicking with all six of its legs. All I could do was cover my head with my arms while it laid into me. After several minutes it got tired and scuttled away. I closed the door and staggered back to my bed.
A few hours later the doorbell rang again. This time I was half delirious. Without thinking, I rushed to the door and opened it. The cockroach was back and all I could do was yelp as it pounced on me and began pummelling me once again. This time it kept going for a full ten minutes and I was so exhausted I couldn’t even make it back to my bed. I slept right there on the floor in the hallway.
The next day I was in so much pain I took myself straight to the doctor’s. My heart sank as I saw the size of the queue coming out of the surgery door, but I stood at the end of it, patiently waiting. The next moment, the doctor walked out of this office and looked along the queue. When he saw me he waved and said, “You, come into my office.”
I followed him and sat down in the patient’s chair.
“Let me guess,” the doctor began, “you were awoken by the doorbell in the middle of the night and a giant cockroach beat you up!”
“How do you know that?” I asked.
“There’s a nasty bug going round!”

A young boy was doing some handiwork with his father. When it came to putting a picture on the wall the father said, “I’ll do this one… You’re like lightning with a hammer!”
The boy said, “Wow, is that cos I’m so fast?”
“No, it’s because you never strike the same place twice!”

A Girl Guide offered to mow the lawn for a poor old man who lived in her village. When she arrived at his house, the man was so grateful he invited her in for a cup of tea and a cookie.
As she ate her cookie, the girl noticed a shiny substance coating her plate. When the old man saw her staring at it, he said, “Sorry, dear, it’s as clean as cold water could get it.”
When she’d finished mowing the lawn the old man invited her in again for a sandwich. This time, she noticed, not only was there a shiny substance, it also had hard patches of dried egg on it.
“I’m so sorry,” the old man said again. “It’s as clean as cold water could get it.”
The girl smiled politely and finished her sandwich. When she went to leave, an old dog, that had been asleep on its bed, stood up and blocked the doorway, its teeth bared as it growled at her.
The man waved his walking stick at the dog. Then he shouted, “Cold Water … get back in your basket!”